EXTREMELY LONG ENTRY :: READ AT OWN RISK!!
I do know that I have changed a lot over the past year and mostly it was for the better or so I thought. It never once occurred to me that the biggest change in me is that I have lost the essence of being Danny. I am not that humble, confident and intelligent man that I once used to be. I have lost myself in a web filled with denial and gloom.
This year is indeed a better year! The first revelation before the Lunar New Year is to have 3 very different women to enlighten me on a similar issue. First person is Wendy. I made her angry on both Saturday and Sunday during her lunch break. Especially on Sunday which due to my incorrigible new habit of thinking negatively and linking all things bad to myself, I said something extremely hurtful which peeved and upset Wendy.
I was given a good lecture and could truly understand that there is indeed a big problem with me. I have always thought I understood when Wendy tells me to stop being such an emo' person but apparently my understanding was too theoretical. I have learnt to control my negative emotions but then control is not the solution. I have to totally accept my life as it is now and enjoy whatever little blessings there are.
The second woman is Rebecca whom I had not sat down and catch up since 2 years back. We met at Coffee Club near Somerset Mrt for coffee on Sunday night after her giving tuition. She has 'slimmed' down much and that is not a compliment. The biggest shock was to know how heavy a smoker she has become. Thankfully, there was a surprise too as I see how matured she is now.
She has grown so much in character and mentality that I do feel a little remorse for myself. I find myself asking, "Danny, what the fuck have you been doing with your life?" Rebecca has reached a stage where she knows what she wants in life and the way to get there but most importantly, it is the understanding of practicality of things that impresses me.
I do know what I want to a certain extend and the route there but to be totally practical is something that stills bewilders me. Nevertheless, I am glad I am finally able to understand the importance of being practical and grow from my naive state regarding some issues.
It was an enjoyable session and there were plenty of laughs as we talked about career, God and life on the whole. My face changed though when she mentioned that I am not the Danny she used to know in a very serious tone. She went on to say that I exude a sense of emptiness and grieve. I could not believe it... earlier on, I just got a lecture from Wendy on a similar issue.
I asked her to elaborate. She said that she'll always remember when she first got to know me, whenever she calls, I will be complaining that I am busy with many things and am very tired yet there was always joy and cheer in my voice. Then when we meet, I was always brimming with confidence and smiles. I was an achiever and a leader.
A few weeks back, when she called me, she was stunned by my pessimism and emo' complains. She thought that maybe I was just a little whiney due to the recent unpleasantries of life but upon meeting me, she got a little upset to see that I am now a person that soaks in the depressions of life.
I was astounded by what she said. I need to put in more effort into getting back to who I am and better. I did not know that I am such a weepy crybaby now and am a dark cloud that brings forth rain and gloom. Where's the bright sunny Danny boy that is hot and passionate but at times a piercing menace? I went home pondering about what I have to do and the changes I have to make.
The following day, I went for a hair trim at my friend's Salon. When she saw me, she asked what is wrong with me. I was dumb-folded and replied, "Nothing. Everything's ok." She thought otherwise. I looked like as if I was filled with depression and am dying. I looked 'Grey' and all downbeat.
I explained to her that it could be because I've been plague by awful things and nothing good has been happening in my life. She chide me bluntly saying that it is obvious nothing good will approach me given the way I carry myself and this gloomy cloud that looms over my head. She says that she wants to see me as who I was before and my first step into achieving that is to learn to embrace life for all that it is.
3 persons in a row telling me how awful I look from my aura and I cannot agree more. I have to pick myself up and just move on and stop thinking so much. I am not the saddest person alive and therefore should stop acting like one. There are plenty of ups and downs in life and it just so happens that recently there are more 'significant' downs in mine. Another reason being that I did not give thanks to the many simple joys in life and appreciate how blessed and happy I really can be.
I am going to keep myself occupied with the things I enjoy and just live the way I want to. I will face my unhappiness and deal with them the way I know is so effective instead of trying to convince myself with the mentality of, "it is not so bad, I can live with it" all the time. It is time for a change on my stand on some things and to try another approach in becoming that 'Sun' that I use to be. No one shall say that I am an emo' and gloomy piece of junk anymore.